The Day Before Day 1

Goal

Create one head a day using polymer clay starting October 6, 2009. Complete the 365th head on my 60th birthday exactly one year later.

Purpose

I have no idea - well that's not entirely true. I have a few reasons - at least a few reasons to start with. My hope is that I end up with much more than I could ever have imagined.

Reason 1

Master A Skill

I'm kind of a "jack of all trades" but I've really not mastered one (yet). As an artist, I've always been able to draw a face but have never been motivated to master that ability either. After taking a polymer clay workshop by Ronna Weltman, I began toying around with making heads and faces. They were somewhat primitive at first then quickly began to take on more detail and with that, more personality. The more heads I created, the more I longed to understand who they were and what they were trying to communicate. Each one was different and each one surprised me in some way - emerging from the clay as if it had been in there all along waiting for me to bring it into existence. So I'm wondering what else is inside of me waiting to be born? As I improve upon my skill using polymer by creating one head a day, perhaps I will also become more in-tuned with the message it brings.

Reason 2

Honor The Decades

When I look back on the five decades of my life I see something like a theme that carries each one into the next. The first one was about preparation. Traveling back and forth from Memphis to Seattle every summer to visit my sister and her family, helped to prepare me for leaving the place of my birth and creating a different kind of life - one that would not have been created had I stayed and chosen other options. It also prepared me to accept the idea that there will always be other options, all one has to do is notice them and make a conscious choice. "Conscious" is the key word here - in my first decade I was definitely not conscious - yet the seed was planted.

The second decade was about fear and "waking-up" all at the same time. Fear of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, of taking care of myself, of not being able to have children, of not being able to take care of the children I ended up having, of others discovering the lack of confidence that dominated my internal landscape. But at the same time the "fear factor" was happening, I was beginning to wake-up to the possibilities that my life had meaning and that I had a responsibility to manifest that in some way. This ah-ha was triggered by readingJonathan Livingston Seagull in the early part of that decade and identifying with the seagull who wanted to do more than just survive.

The third decade started out with disappointment but ended with a conscious (again that key word) life-time commitment to be responsible for my own internal well-being and external happiness. Lots happened in this decade. A decision to find ways to become as confident on the inside as I appeared on the outside, take care of myself and live authentically. I was fortunate to have wonderful guides along the way and still do.

The fourth decade is when the fun really picked up. I was kidnapped on my birthday (literally) and to this day, it remains the most surprising and fun thing anyone's ever done for me. Like the very first day, this decade was filled with wonder and opportunities and people who just kept showing up to "kidnap" me from one experience to the next. The most notable being my husband who showed up pretty close to the front end of that decade and continues to be my partner in fun, love and spiritual growth.

The fifth decade was a dream come true and my worst nightmare all at the same time. A community theatre filled with over 300 people sang happy birthday at the end of that evening's performance of Sylvia. In the audience were friends and family who had come to watch my debut and support me in a very public display of personal growth. Luckily, my birthday didn't fall in the beginning of the run when I had to deal with what I thought was the most miserable failure of my life. It was my first major role (actually, my first stage experience) and all of the inner work I thought I had done in the confidence and shame department went totally out the window. I don't think I ever felt more humiliated than I did after opening night - yuk - I was awful. But in theatre you can't just give up - there were only four of us and each had a major part with no understudy. So, for the first time in my life I couldn't quit or hide - I had to learn to be okay with being awful or mediocre at best. At the end of the five week run, the stronghold my ego had on me finally let go enough so that, at times, I actually found myself in the present moment. Any actor will tell you that being in the present moment - listening and responding to the other characters is really what good acting is all about. Funny, I guess it's kind of what life is all about too isn't it? So, I guess you could say my performance slightly improved - enough so that by the night of my birthday I truly had something to celebrate - not because I was great but because I had "survived." I was left with the feeling that if I could do that - be okay with not being "perfect" - then I could possibly do anything.

Reason 3

Live Consciously

Which brings me to my sixth decade and the reason for this blog. I decided that instead of looking back on a decade and figuring out what it means - I am going to go into this decade with the most conscious intention possible. I am going to document my internal creative process for the year leading up to my sixtieth birthday. I have no idea what I will find - what will show up or what I will do with what shows up. This is a journey and it begins tomorrow.