THE DECIDER - 5/365

"Gee, I don't know. There are so many choices here. So many fun things to do that I just can't decide. Hmm.....okay, I think I'll do this. NO WAIT...maybe this. Yes, this looks like the right thing. I can't wait to.....to.....hmm....I don't know. Now THAT looks REALLY interesting! THAT could be it - maybe it IS it! I'm sure of it. Wait..........."

My Reflection:

Have you ever had an idea or maybe an opportunity and thought, "this is what I've been waiting for - this is the very thing that's going to fulfill me. If I can just do this, I know that I'll be happy - it's what I am meant to do." This has happened to me more times than I care to admit. After the initial stage of euphoria, I'm suddenly distracted by other really amazing ideas. In fact, I think that's where ideas come from - each other. They multiply like little jack rabbits and before you know it, they're all over the place. Or, maybe what I'm really experiencing is the overwhelming task of bringing them into reality. So much so, that I become conveniently distracted by bigger and better possibilities. Sometimes, I'm not sure what is worse - feeling stuck with no ideas or getting stuck with too many.

Question:

Where do you stand?

The SCRUTINIZER - 4/365

"So, sue me. I like to take a look at things. I like to look carefully - VERY carefully. And if there's anything out of sync, anything out of place, anything that doesn't add up......well don't worry, I'll point it out so you can fix it. No need to thank me - sometimes you can't see what you're doing that's all - - you're just too close to it. I have the advantage of being farther away so I can see the whole picture. I think you assume you're going forward but all you're doing is going around in a circle. How are you going to get where you want to go if you keep around and around like that? You do want to get somewhere don't you?"

My Reflection:

I'll admit that sometimes I entertain myself by looking at the life patterns of others. I don't really go looking for them, they just seem to show up like a roadmap that suddenly appears on their forehead. When that happens, like The Scrutinizer, I feel compelled to share that information with them. Not always good idea. The pattern maker is probably either too stunned by the discovery (more like an intrusion I'd say) or too nice to tell me to mind my own patterns and to stay out of theirs. But it's so hard to see your own pattern isn't it? As much as I think I can sometimes see the map on my forehead - I still find myself going around and around the same issue.

Question:

How well can you see yours?

THE POSTULATOR - 3/365

“I don’t like this. I don’t like being looked at and judged - it makes me uncomfortable. No one really knows me so why do they make so many assumptions? I know for sure what they're thinking. How do I know? I read minds that’s how. How do I read their minds? Well, I can just tell by looking at their faces."

My Reflection:

Some times the only thing I have to go on is the look on someone’s face, the tone of their voice or perhaps their body language. I pride myself on “reading” people and reading them really well. But do I? All of us have a story to tell but most of us don’t “tell it” - we “wear it” instead. We wear it on our face, body and in the timber of our voice. But that image or sound doesn’t really tell the story - it’s only the introduction. Perhaps the better I am at asking questions, the less I’ll have to rely on assumptions.

Question:

What questions do you ask?

THE AVOIDER - 2/365

"I'm resting. Just for a few minutes. Can't I rest a while? Do I always have to be doing something? Okay, so maybe I'm not resting - I'm just hanging out in my own reality for a little bit. It's much easier to do with my eyes closed - that way I don't have to see everybody else's and get all mixed up. I can just stay in here and be content in my own reality.

I AM TOO CONTENT!"

My Reflection:

I realize that sometimes I don't feel confident enough to see another's perspective. There's some kind of fear about that - like I might loose part of myself if I do so it's just easier to stay focused on my own story and find ways of validating my take on the situation. But eventually, all that validating gets complicated and I find myself disconnected from my real feelings and farther away from the truth. In the end, I see that contentment comes from having the courage to look at a situation through someone else's eyes while at the same time, acknowledging my own perspective.

Question:

How do you express your fear or courage?

THE WHINER - 1/365

"It’s not fair, why do I have to go first? I have no template, no instructions, no idea what I’m supposed to say. I need some rules here - something to follow that will tell me that I’m doing it right. What if I say something wrong or what if I don't fit in with the other heads? It’s important for me to fit in - to feel like I have a specific, meaningful job and to feel like I make a difference. So you know what, if I make a fool of myself, YOU’RE going to take the blame. I’ll just say I’m new to this blog thing and I have no idea what’s going on. They’ll feel sorry for me (“poor thing”) - they’ll feel sorry for me and they’ll give me the benefit of the doubt. Won’t they?"

My Reflection:

This guy started talking to me before he even came into existence. So, I was a little surprised by the expression on his face - didn’t look quite like the “whiner” type - maybe a little skeptical but his face definitely didn’t match his message. I tried to make him more “whiny” (whatever that is) but he just kept looking pleasantly skeptical. Maybe I don’t have enough technical knowledge to make it happen yet or maybe there’s a subtext to the message. So, I’m prompted to ask myself, “do I look pleasantly skeptical when I’m whining?”

I love to whine - just makes me feel better. I was told once that we are all either martyrs or whiners and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as we acknowledge it. That way we can warn others when we’re about to do it which makes it much easier to tolerate.

Think about it, it’s usually the ones who aren’t aware they are “martyring” or “whining” who are the most annoying. So, the question I have for myself is this....when I’m whining, am I up front about it or do I do it with a pleasant face and act like it’s no big deal? Wait, maybe that’s really martyring. Oh my god, maybe I’m both a martyr AND a whiner.

Question:

What about you?

The Day Before Day 1

Goal

Create one head a day using polymer clay starting October 6, 2009. Complete the 365th head on my 60th birthday exactly one year later.

Purpose

I have no idea - well that's not entirely true. I have a few reasons - at least a few reasons to start with. My hope is that I end up with much more than I could ever have imagined.

Reason 1

Master A Skill

I'm kind of a "jack of all trades" but I've really not mastered one (yet). As an artist, I've always been able to draw a face but have never been motivated to master that ability either. After taking a polymer clay workshop by Ronna Weltman, I began toying around with making heads and faces. They were somewhat primitive at first then quickly began to take on more detail and with that, more personality. The more heads I created, the more I longed to understand who they were and what they were trying to communicate. Each one was different and each one surprised me in some way - emerging from the clay as if it had been in there all along waiting for me to bring it into existence. So I'm wondering what else is inside of me waiting to be born? As I improve upon my skill using polymer by creating one head a day, perhaps I will also become more in-tuned with the message it brings.

Reason 2

Honor The Decades

When I look back on the five decades of my life I see something like a theme that carries each one into the next. The first one was about preparation. Traveling back and forth from Memphis to Seattle every summer to visit my sister and her family, helped to prepare me for leaving the place of my birth and creating a different kind of life - one that would not have been created had I stayed and chosen other options. It also prepared me to accept the idea that there will always be other options, all one has to do is notice them and make a conscious choice. "Conscious" is the key word here - in my first decade I was definitely not conscious - yet the seed was planted.

The second decade was about fear and "waking-up" all at the same time. Fear of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, of taking care of myself, of not being able to have children, of not being able to take care of the children I ended up having, of others discovering the lack of confidence that dominated my internal landscape. But at the same time the "fear factor" was happening, I was beginning to wake-up to the possibilities that my life had meaning and that I had a responsibility to manifest that in some way. This ah-ha was triggered by readingJonathan Livingston Seagull in the early part of that decade and identifying with the seagull who wanted to do more than just survive.

The third decade started out with disappointment but ended with a conscious (again that key word) life-time commitment to be responsible for my own internal well-being and external happiness. Lots happened in this decade. A decision to find ways to become as confident on the inside as I appeared on the outside, take care of myself and live authentically. I was fortunate to have wonderful guides along the way and still do.

The fourth decade is when the fun really picked up. I was kidnapped on my birthday (literally) and to this day, it remains the most surprising and fun thing anyone's ever done for me. Like the very first day, this decade was filled with wonder and opportunities and people who just kept showing up to "kidnap" me from one experience to the next. The most notable being my husband who showed up pretty close to the front end of that decade and continues to be my partner in fun, love and spiritual growth.

The fifth decade was a dream come true and my worst nightmare all at the same time. A community theatre filled with over 300 people sang happy birthday at the end of that evening's performance of Sylvia. In the audience were friends and family who had come to watch my debut and support me in a very public display of personal growth. Luckily, my birthday didn't fall in the beginning of the run when I had to deal with what I thought was the most miserable failure of my life. It was my first major role (actually, my first stage experience) and all of the inner work I thought I had done in the confidence and shame department went totally out the window. I don't think I ever felt more humiliated than I did after opening night - yuk - I was awful. But in theatre you can't just give up - there were only four of us and each had a major part with no understudy. So, for the first time in my life I couldn't quit or hide - I had to learn to be okay with being awful or mediocre at best. At the end of the five week run, the stronghold my ego had on me finally let go enough so that, at times, I actually found myself in the present moment. Any actor will tell you that being in the present moment - listening and responding to the other characters is really what good acting is all about. Funny, I guess it's kind of what life is all about too isn't it? So, I guess you could say my performance slightly improved - enough so that by the night of my birthday I truly had something to celebrate - not because I was great but because I had "survived." I was left with the feeling that if I could do that - be okay with not being "perfect" - then I could possibly do anything.

Reason 3

Live Consciously

Which brings me to my sixth decade and the reason for this blog. I decided that instead of looking back on a decade and figuring out what it means - I am going to go into this decade with the most conscious intention possible. I am going to document my internal creative process for the year leading up to my sixtieth birthday. I have no idea what I will find - what will show up or what I will do with what shows up. This is a journey and it begins tomorrow.