THE HARANGUER - 220/365

to simply deliver a message with force

does not insure it will be accepted

THE MELD 'R - 216/365

sometimes the need to

NOT make a statement

IS the statement

THE BALL BUSTER - 122/365

"I'll take you on anytime...but I hope you know that you're no match for me. Even if your words ring true, I'm much more shallow than you are which allows your rhetoric to pass right through me without even a scratch."

My Reflection:

Like most people, when my honor feels threatened I enter the boxing ring ready to fight for my beliefs. I throw out a word or two failing to realize at the time that even if they land appropriately I can't possibly win the fight.

I've learned that it doesn't matter who's right, who's more sensitive, or who has the thickest skin...the only person who ends up reduced in size, is the one who thinks they've won.

Question:

What gets you into the ring?

Clay Ingredients:

Sculpey Translucent

Holtz Distress powder (vintage-photo)

THE MODIFIER - 111/365

"What do you mean this isn't what you thought it would be? It's exactly what we talked about...EXACTLY...with just a few minor changes - so now it's just a "different exact" that's all."

My Reflection:

Agreements can break for a variety of reasons - as life unfolds, circumstances change or things happen to alter the feasibility of an original plan. Many times, the change can actually be for the better - leaving both parties satisfied with a more favorable outcome.

The problem isn't necessarily with the change but with the lack of communication about the change which can leave mistrust in its wake. I'm learning that when there's an "agreement there's also a "partnership" and for each partner satisfaction may not necessarily take place with a successful "outcome" but rather rather "how" the outcome is achieved.

Question:

How do you "modify" your agreements?

THE INSTIGATOR - 88/365

"I thought she was your friend - I mean if she's your friend why didn't she ask you to join her book group? Do you think you might have done something to make her mad and this is her way of punishing you? I was just wondering."

My Reflection:

I've always placed a lot of value in the ability to ask questions but asking without access to a direct answer can lead me astray. That's when I find myself asking the same question over and over - each time trying on a different response.

If I'm being honest, I'll admit that I do this "looping process" when I'm not ready to face what I might learn and that questions are best asked when I'm willing to hear the answer.

Question:

How do you seek the answers to your questions?

THE RADIO ANTENNA - 82/365

"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?....

OKAY, HOW'S THIS?....

ANY BETTER?...

Maybe if you really wanted to hear what I have to say, you'd try harder to tune into my station."

My Reflection:

I think there are times when I'm trying to hear another point of view but the truth is, I've already made up my mind. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shut my own thoughts out long enough to allow someone else's to get in.

Perhaps I need to learn a different approach. Like adjusting the dial on a radio, I could try tuning into THEIR frequency instead of staying focused on mine and when the background noise of my inner voice becomes quiet, I'll know I have found the right station.

Question:

How do you "tune in?"

THE TONGUE LASHER - 80/365

"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind if I exercise my tongue while we talk. I use it frequently to give people what they deserve so I must keep it fit. It takes a lot if strength to spit out the words that keep people in line or put them in their place. Such a little muscle for such a big responsibility wouldn't you say?"

My Reflection:

I've often wondered if a "tongue lashing" is a sign of strength or a sign of weakness. Would a "tongue-lashing" even be necessary if I didn't somehow feel "vulnerable" and in need of defending myself?

Perhaps it takes "strength" to share feelings and "courage" to do it without "lashing-out."

Question:

Is there really such a thing as a "good" tongue-lashing?

THE FACE READER - 79/365

"What's the matter you look frightened? Do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to help?

What do you mean you're just reacting to the look on MY face - I'm just concerned about the look on YOURS."

My Reflection:

I wonder how many times I've mis-read someone's facial expression?

I think they're bored but they're sad, I think they're angry but they're scared, I think they're happy but they're hurt. So, why not "ask" instead of assuming I know the answer simply by the look on their face?

What if a "mis-read" face could be a missed opportunity to build a stronger bond and a closer relationship? Wouldn't that be worth taking the time to check my assumption for accuracy?

Question:

What do you do when an expression "speaks" to you?

THE MARKSMAN - 77/365

"Hey... I'm trying to understand your point of view but you're message just isn't hitting the mark."

My Reflection:

I sometimes wonder if I could receive communication more effectively if I had a bull's eye painted on my head to mark the optimum point of entry.

However, perhaps it's not the information going in, but my inability to hear it properly due to all of the background noise - noise created by my own competing thoughts.

I may be better off if I learn to quiet my own mind before seeking to understand that of another.

Question:

How much "background" noise interferes with your ability to "listen?"

THE PEACEMAKER - 70/365

"Frankly, I think you're BOTH nuts but, of course, I won't say this out loud - instead I'll pretend I'm interested in YOUR side of the story then HIS side then YOUR side then HIS side...on and on and on until I think my head will explode.

I wonder what would happen if my head DID explode and all of my REAL thoughts were to hit you in the face? I suppose that would bring the two of your together now wouldn't it?"

My Reflection:

When I find myself in the middle of two people at odds, it's important that I remain neutral in order to help bring about a peaceful solution. But is it really possible to feel "neutral?" And is it MY job to keep the peace - shouldn't I allow people the opportunity to work through their own conflicts?

I'm beginning to learn that I can be much more helpful when I simply listen, acknowledge someone's feelings and wait patiently for them to come to their own place of peace.

Question:

How do you feel about conflict?

THE SMALL TALKER - 66/365

"Did you hear about that sale going on at the mall? I just love a good sale...nothing satisfies me more than seeing a red slashed ticket!

When I'm not at the mall I like to sink my teeth into a good novel. Right now, I'm reading a book about a woman who leaves her husband to take care of a baboon at the local zoo. I just can't put it down...it's a real page turner.

So, what's exciting in your world?"

My Reflection:

Sometimes I think I should wear a sign on my forehead that reads..."out to lunch." That way, I won't be expected to respond to mundane questions or uninteresting conversation.

Or, perhaps the other person is just trying to "connect" - filling in the gaps of my quiet unease and prompting me to remember that withstanding "small" talk, requires genuine interest and the desire to create "bigger" questions.

Question:

How "big" is your talk?

THE SHOW & TELLER - 65/365

"It's not as bad as it looks... seriously, it hardly bothers me at all. It was a little painful going in and I got a migraine that lasted a couple of weeks but I barely notice it now.

I was going to get a nose/ lip/eye piercing but I wanted something more dramatic... something that really "shows" who I am and what I'm feeling. Plus, now I don't don't have to waste my time talking - the message is loud and clear."

My Reflection:

Using words to communicate can be difficult at times. I say one thing but really mean another. I don't do it on purpose but once I hear what I'm saying, I realize it doesn't accurately describe what I'm thinking or feeling. Particularly feeling.

I've learned that words can be useful if they are put together in a way that creates a picture of my thoughts and feelings as they pertain to me. Perhaps, the wisdom of experience lies in the ability to paint a word picture of the heart.

Question:

What do you say that you don't mean?

THE FILL-IN THE BLANKER - 56/365

"Come on...you must know what I'm thinking - it's written on half of my face.

The other half? Oh, well...that's my "neutral" side. If you want to know what's on THAT side, you'll have to ask."

My Reflection:

Sometimes I wish I could just say EXACTLY what is on my mind. Of course if I did, people might run the other way when they see me coming. They probably do anyway.

I'm trying really hard NOT to give my opinion unless I'm asked - it's hard - I'm aware of keeping of neutral face all the while my mind is screaming..."ASK ME WHAT I THINK, ASK ME WHAT I THINK."

Question:

What are you NOT saying?

THE YAWNER 51/365

"Are you STILL talking? Didn't we end this conversation about an hour ago? If you keep repeating this over and over I'm going to fall asleep. Do you want me to fall asleep - is that the idea? Then keep talking."

My Reflection:

Sometimes I think that if I continue to explain something that the person I'm explaining it to will finally "GET IT." But, the truth is, it's probably something they don't need to "get" in the first place, otherwise, they would have picked it up the first time.

I can try and fool myself and pretend that it's for THEIR benefit. But, I've come to the conclusion that when I find the need to repeat myself, it's probably going to be for mine.

Question:

When do you find you're repeating yourself?

THE DISINTERESTED 48/365

"Nothing holds my interest unless it's about me and in that case, I generally like to do all of the talking. If you have something to say that concerns me...keep it to yourself, because you'll just be wasting your breath.

On the other hand, you seem to have so much breath, that wasting it may not be an issue. In that case, may I suggest you consider a "Breath Conservation" program? You'll learn to use it only when someone is REALLY listening."

My Reflection:

It's interesting that the times I feel like I'm not being heard are usually the times when I'm trying to get someone to hear what I have to say about THEM. I'm so convinced that what I'm saying is in THEIR best interest, that I'm like a preacher on a pulpit and I'm not going to come down until they've HEARD me.

After a long diatribe, I usually end up saying to myself, "Sue, you're just wasting your breath." But, if I'm wasting my breath, is it because they're not listening or because I haven't stopped talking long enough... to become the "listener."

Question:
Why would someone be interested in what you have to say?

THE HEADACHE GIVER- 31/365

"You either get headaches or you give them - one or the other so which one is it? Personally, I'd rather give them but I suppose if I do that all the time it wouldn't be fair so once in a while I take one for myself.

While I don't care for the discomfort, the side benefits can be pretty good. Like putting my feet up in the middle of the day with a cool ice pack on my head or a steamy hot towel. Sometimes I even get a head rub. I guess you could say that it's also a good way to avoid the stuff I don't feel like doing... no one wants to bother you if you don't feel well.

Oh gee, I wish I could run that errand for you but I've got a terrible headache."

My Reflection:

I really do suffer from bad headaches. I used to get them all time starting when I was a little girl - they escalated in puberty - and as a young adult I could get up to two migraines a week. One good thing about menopause, however, is that most of my headaches disappeared along with ....well, you know.

I think another reason they've diminished is because of my improved ability to communicate my feelings. I used to store up a lot of tension along with those unexpressed thoughts until they would exploded in the form of a horrible migraine.

Some people might even say that I've improved my ability to communicate so much so that I've now become the headache "giver" instead of the headache "receiver." I hope not - I'd never want to purposely give one of those awful things to anyone - even someone I don't like.

Question:

Is it better to "give" than to "receive?"

THE UNINTERESTED - 23/365

"I want to be interested in what you're saying but to tell you the truth, it's boring. You just keep going on and on about the most uninteresting things...little things like - 'is it going to rain - how am I going to get to work if it snows - the leaves are clogging the drain on my roof' - WHO CARES? If you could talk about something that interests ME then I might be more interested in YOU.

Ask me a few questions once in a while - any question - doesn't matter - just something to get a few of my brain cells to light up. But don't ask me anything personal - I don't want to talk about anything personal. I also don't want to talk politics - I can't stand politics. And I'm not into sports so don't go there either. I don't know...you'll figure it out."

My Reflection:

Dale Carnegie said that in order to "win friends and influence people" you need to be genuinely interested in them. Since most people don't give you their life's history, it usually requires some investigation. Asking questions to find out more about them is an art and not always easy to do so we often end up talking about benign things like the weather in order to fill in the gaps. Or, go through the "hi, how are you - fine, how are you?" routine. Again...another gap filler.

So, how do we ask questions without being nosey? Maybe it's the "genuine" part of being interested that's most important. I also find it very difficult to ask questions when I'm feeling defensive or angry about something - that's usually when I go on and on about my thoughts and feelings because I'm assuming I already know theirs. But, isn't that when I most need to understand where someone else is coming from? And how can I do that if I don't ask enough questions and be genuinely interested in the answsers?

Question:

What kind of questions do you ask?